6 Questions on Caring for the Elderly That We Need to Ask Ourselves

In India, until just a few decades back, a large family living together under the same roof and sharing food from a common kitchen was a common sight. Today, joint families are on the verge of becoming an endangered species. Among the many implications of this trend, one aspect that stands out to me at a personal level is what it means for the ageing and the elderly.

Taking care of each other has always been a given at our home. My late grandmother, who recently passed away, lived with us till she was 99 years old. Over the last few years, our lives had sort of come to revolve around her. We also have similar fond and cherished memories of being with my grandfather till his last breath. 

But that does not mean that the many reasons why people choose to live in nuclear setups are lost on me. Nor does it imply that I am some kind of an expert on senior care. My simple realization is this – the experience of looking after the ones who once looked after us is largely a matter of following our heart.

You cannot fake it, and if done with selfless intent and without any expectations, it can be truly gratifying. On the other hand, the process of watching them age, wither, and one day, leave behind nothing but memories and photographs, is a humbling experience. It puts into perspective our own changing bodies and minds, our inevitable ageing process, and the physical and emotional dependencies that sooner or later come with it. 

Earlier, I had considered turning this blog into a series of tips and suggestions on caring for the elderly. But, then I changed my mind. For those interested to become better caretakers and companions for senior citizens in their family, community, and beyond, there are plenty of such articles on the internet.

Instead, I would like to raise a series of questions that have often occurred to me along my journey with my grandparents. I believe that whether you are in a position to help your elderly family members or not, these are questions that you will relate to at a human level. 

1. If ageing is natural, why is it so hard to see it happen to your loved ones?

On the face of it, the passing of time seems like such a natural phenomenon.

Since the day we are born, we start ageing. The process is usually enjoyable as we progress to youth and then reach the mid-mark. After that, as we age further,  it tends to become a bit scary and unpleasant. We all know the tell-tale signs – greying hair, shrivelling skin, loss of senses, cognitive failures, disabilities, various health conditions, and so on. These are more or less known to us. Yet, watching it from close-up, while someone in your family starts to degenerate and weaken right before your eyes, is one of the hardest things to do. 

My grandmother was active and healthy until a little over a year ago. We were so used to seeing her happy and fully functional that when the change suddenly came in the form of illness, getting bed-ridden, experiencing hearing-loss, and later, the loss of her vocabulary, it was too painful to watch.

One part of it was the feeling of helplessness – the sheer pain of not being able to help her in any way. The other aspect was realizing that she was fully aware of her own degeneration and that it was unknowingly eating away at her sense of feeling alive, confident, and happy. 

My learning is this – even if you know it all, you cannot prepare yourself for this moment before it arrives. You will probably have to just wing it, and whatever pain comes along the way, you will have to live with it with grace and acceptance, reminding yourself every moment that their pain is probably much, much bigger than yours.

2. Is physical care enough for the ageing?

This is another question that often tugs at my heart. 

Is it enough to ensure that they are well-fed, rested, clean and hygienic, and under high-quality medical care? Or is there more to it?

Some of the aspects that we often tend to overlook are things like companionship and adding meaning and value to their lives. It is one thing to have a nice cup of tea, for example, but it is another thing to share it with your grandson. It is one thing to undergo routine blood tests – it is another thing to have your granddaughter hold your hand while the needle pierces your skin.

A key cause of depression among the elderly is the feeling that they have nothing more to offer to the world or to the people around them. Up until 2018, my grandmother took care of our kids while my wife and I could focus on work. It was extremely beneficial for us, but more importantly, it gave her a feeling of belongingness, meaning, and contribution.

3. Can good and holistic care guarantee anything?

The simple answer is this – no, it cannot. But knowing it doesn’t stop us from letting our hopes run high.

By God’s grace, and with support from everyone around us, we were able to take excellent care of my grandmother for several decades. It was mostly a joyful experience. But over time, it sort of made us forget that no amount of care, companionship, or love could stop age-related degeneration in her and eventually – death

When the inevitable happened, we initially struggled a lot to accept the new reality. Then, as she began to deteriorate and her health and wellness began to slip through our fingers, we realized that we no longer had any control over it. It was then that we began to pray for her suffering to end instead. 

It’s not a journey that you can possibly imagine without going through it yourself, but in the end, it made me realize how little is truly in our control.

4. Do we, as a nation, have adequate infrastructure to make life comfortable for the elderly?

I can’t stress this enough. There is only so much that you can do as a son, daughter, grandson, or granddaughter. Beyond the capabilities of an individual or even that of an entire family, we need to have the right kind of technology and infrastructure to make life easier for the ageing and the debilitating.

India is still too far behind when it comes to having innovative and effective solutions for her elderly population.

Challenges like reduced mobility, impaired cognitive functionality, and loss of senses are still largely unaddressed – i.e. there is not enough technical support for the elderly to live a relatively full life despite these conditions. There are hardly any community-building initiatives for senior citizens. Geriatric care is still limited to the economically privileged and/or the socially privileged. 

It makes me wonder – if the process of growing old and nearing death is so terrifying and scary for those blessed with money and family support, how much harder is it for those who are stripped of these things?

One can only hazard a guess.

5. Is the tradeoff worth it?

Fair warning – this is a very subjective question.

Deciding to be there for your ageing parents and grandparents is a life-changing decision. You will probably stop having your own space, your freedom gets somewhat curtailed, your career choices become limited, and your finances can easily go for a toss if you are not careful. 

But is the tradeoff worth it? For me, it is. It gives me a sense of alignment with the full circle of life and more importantly, it lets me sleep with a clean conscience. But for those who are still sitting on the fence, here’s my humble suggestion – give it a try before you reject it outright. You may be pleasantly surprised.

6. Do we really understand old age?

I don’t know the answer to this question. But I think that that’s what makes it so enigmatic.

No matter how much we love, respect, or care for the elderly, old age will always remain a puzzle, or at the very least, a black-box to me.

Sometimes I think I have cracked it, but now I know better. 

And when my time comes, I hope that I can face it with the kind of grace, strength, and compassion that I often saw in my grandparents. It’s a lofty goal, but it’s also one that’s incredibly empowering. Perhaps one of that many advantages of being next to your loved ones as they age is to feel somewhat reassured that if they could do it, so can you.